My First Mother's Day

I can't believe it was a year ago.

I was in a good place.  I had a happy, giggly 7 month old baby and a great husband.  I had a super flexible job, which led me to working my first mother's day so we could take a 3 day weekend the next weekend. The job I had at the time required a 40 minute commute, so on my first mother's day, my alarm went off around 5:30 A.M.  

I walked into the bathroom where my dear, sweet husband left me my first mother's day present.  He signed Hadley's name on the card.  

I headed off to work, and I'd been on the interstate for about 10 minutes when I started feeling a little queasy.  I started hot flashing and my mouth started to water.  I pulled over and threw up.  It wasn't the first time that I'd thrown up  on the side of that interstate.

I continued my drive with my stomach much more settled, but my mind was racing.

The only time I've ever gotten carsick, I was pregnant with Hadley. 

The thought process probably looked something like this: How long ago was my last period?  Surely, I can't be pregnant.  We were careful.  When was that period? Oh....oh...it was 6 weeks ago.  6 weeks is longer than 28 days.  My periods have always been 28 days apart.  I've only been late once. Oh. oh. oh.  I can't be pregnant.  We were so careful.  We were always careful except....oh.  oh.  oh dear.  

I stopped at the next store I passed.  I bought the test.  I raced into the bathroom.  I wasn't even finished peeing before that second line popped up on the stick.  

This is the honest truth. There were so many emotions running around in my head.    I was ecstatic, but I was devastated.  I didn't want another baby right now!   This wasn't my plan.   I spent a good chunk of my early twenties convinced that I was going to struggle with infertility.  I spent countless hours in my gynecologist's office because I had painful periods, recurrent ovarian cysts, and endometriosis. Now here I was, having conceived once immediately after stopping birth control, and now, once on accident. 

My head was spinning.

I spent the day locked up in my office crying.

I felt guilty that I was going to ruin Hadley's childhood by introducing another child into her life.  

And honestly, I felt a little stupid.  I'm a grown woman, and I know where babies come from.  

It took me sometime to accept that my plans aren't always what's in my future.  It took me EVEN longer to get excited about the pregnancy, and now it's almost crazy to think that this wasn't the way we planned things.