Mommy Guilt

Today, I had an ob-gyn appointment.  I got up this morning, got HC ready for daycare, and went to work.  I worked until 2:00, ran home and showered, and the hubs and I went off to the ob.  My mom picked HC up from daycare.  My appointment was at 3:10, and we left the OB office probably about 4:30. 

We went to a baby store to pick out baby bedding (unsuccessfully),  we went out to dinner, and we went to Babies R' Us.  I feel like I need to find this girl some crib bedding,  but alas, we had no luck.  In fact, I hate Babies R' Us.  We went in and walked around.  They didn't have much that I was even interested in, and what they did have was very expensive. 

After we left Babies R Us, we went to T.J. Maxx.  That store is much more in my price range.   T. J. Maxx is very hit or miss with things like crib bedding.  The store was busy.  I know! How dare they be busy 5 days before Christmas?? Ridiculous.  There were things out of place everywhere, and no crib bedding in site.  I scoured the baby section which is my normal activity in every store.  I was specifically looking for some newborn clothing.  I rounded the corner, and then I saw it.

One square, clear plastic package.  It was the perfect size to be a set of crib bedding, which was exactly what it was.  Not only was it crib bedding, but it was cute crib bedding that DH and I had looked at online.  Problem:  it wasn't exactly the direction that we had moved in for our nursery.  I may have never told you, one faithful reader, that we actually were moving in a specific direction.  I called hubs over and the conversation went something like this:

Hubs:  Well, let me see that picture of the rug.
Me:  My phone's in the car.
Hubs: I mean, we've looked at it online.
Me:  But will it match the rug?
Hubs: *Scrolls through 100000 text messages, finds picture, and answers with a head nod*
Me: I mean, I really like it.
Hubs: Me too.
Me: But it's not what we wanted.
Hubs:......
Me: But it's $50.00
Hubs: But it's not what we wanted, let's not get it.
                       ***This is the turning point in the conversation.  Hubs has now acknowledged what I was trying to say.  We had made a decision, and this was not part of the original decision.  We should not purchase this.  Now, since hubs has acknowledged my thought process, I completely change my mind. ***
Me: But it's $50.00.  If we get it home and hate it, then we'll just return it.



So, now we have crib bedding that looks like this.

I've totally digressed from the point of this blog.  We got home about 7:00, and my mom was at our house with HC.  She was very excited to see me, but was much more excited to see her dad.  She's a worm like that sometimes.  We played for about 30 minutes, but it became highly obvious that home girl needed to go to bed.  We started our bedtime routine.  When the teeth were brushed and the diaper was clean, we laid her in her crib to sleep.  We read her a story, and started her mobile, and her sleep sheep.  We gave her kisses and we left her room.

She cried.  This isn't totally unusual.  We give her 10-15 minutes to wind down before we intervene.  It's hard.  It seems like so long to let her cry, however, I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to go back and get her at the end of her cry period.  After that, I was cleaning up the kitchen and the hubs was standing with me, and he said, "You know why she cried right?" and I said, "Of course, because it was bedtime and she didn't think she was ready."  He said, "It's because we haven't been home all night."

OH EM GEE! Cue massive mommy guilt.  Why don't I think about these things?? I miss HC like crazy when we're not with her.   I drop her off places so I can get things done, and then 15-20 minutes after drop off, I start contemplating pick up.  I love that little girl with my whole heart.  Of course she misses us.  My fanatical crazy parent side says, "Why do we leave her?  That's not fair to her.  We should keep her with us forever and ever all the time. "  I start to believe my inner crazy fanatical parent, but then I remember practical mom.   Practical mom understands that the ob-gyn office is not the best place for a 14 month old to hang out.  Practical mom knows that the hubs and I need to have dinner without her.  Practical mom knows that taking her in and out of the car in the rain would be a huge pain in the ass, but fanatical mom wants her permanently attached at the hip.  It's like a crazy internal struggle with attached guilt trip.

I guess it's probably motherhood.