DD Day

That was today.

Drastically Dreaded Back to Work Day

I didn't want too.

But I did and it wasn't *that* bad.  

I've been blessed with amazing co-workers at both my jobs.  I was welcomed back to the therapy department with open arms and a full schedule.   

I love to work and I love my job.  I love being able to help people and getting to know my patients.  While I was gone, some of our patients died and some got really sick.  On the plus side, some got better and went home.

I learned quickly with this maternity leave that I was not designed to be a stay at home mom.  I know there are people that wish they could stay at home, but have to work.  

I don't have the desire to stay at home.

I LOVE  my children with all of my heart and soul.  I honestly believe that I am a better parent because I don't spend all my time with them, and I have a life outside of them.

This realization has really come with two children.  At the end of my first maternity leave, I wasn't ready to back to work.  I wanted to stay home.  I loved snuggling with my child and making crazy dinners off Pinterest.  

This time I know that I don't want to stay home permanently, but I'm not sure WHEN you decide it's time to go back.  If I wait until I feel ready, will I ever be ready to leave her?   I have days that I could drop my kids off and not think twice about it, but then there are days where I don't want to let them go.

This is what makes this day bittersweet.    I love working and it will be good to be back but I also love my children and want to spend time with them.

The ideal solution would probably be to work part-time, but this is difficult for 2 reasons.  The first being childcare.  Here in a rural area, there is no such thing as part-time daycare.  That means that I have to pay for full-time whether my kids are there or not.  The second is health insurance.  My husband does have health insurance so it's not like my coverage is our only option, but his health insurance is expensive.  Very expensive and I would have to work more than 2 days a week to cover the cost difference.

Here I sit, blessed with this amazing, accommodating full-time job, but still torn about spending more time with my family.  

The arrangement we have now is definitely the best arrangement for us, so I'm going to take it one day at a time and be thankful for what I have.